The best laid schemes of mice and men (and 50-something women)......Part II

Picture a squirrel (the stupidest of earth's creatures) trying to cross the road when a car is coming. This way! No, that way! No, back this way! No, quick, under the wheels, that's it!  That's what my brain is like when I'm obsessing about something. At times like this I find cliches to be lifesavers I can grab on to. If  I've lost the ability to reason I can at least repeat a string of words over and over. It's my version of meditation. Here are a few of my favorites:
"Do the next right thing." I didn't understand this one when I first heard it but it has become my "go to" phrase. It's a great way to interrupt the worry cycle. It means live in the moment. Whatever it is you should be doing when you're sitting there worrying, make yourself do it. If it's washing the dishes, then go wash the dishes. And when you're done with that, do the next thing you should be doing, and so on.  Focus on a task and it will calm you.
"Everything will work out." Things always do. Maybe not the way we want them to, but they will work out in some way and worrying changes nothing. We can't force solutions, we can only make ourselves open to receiving them. The little voice inside can only be heard when the "room" is quiet. And frequently the things I worry might happen don't.
"You can stand me up at the gates of hell and I won't back down." It's a line from a Tom Petty song that I have adopted as my mission statement. It gives me strength. I just have to use it with care because I frequently try so hard to be strong that I forget to be flexible too. And flexiblility is also an important survival skill. There are reasons why dinosaurs and dodo birds aren't around anymore.
"No man (or woman) is an island." Sometimes I choke on this one because I have fought all my life to be self sufficient and not  need anyone. I've been less vulnerable that way but there have been times it has been a lonely existence. I'm not sure I did myself any favors. Life seems to be much more rich when people know they can reach out to each other for help. I think the key is surrounding yourself with the right people and I'm very lucky at this point in my life to have that blessing.
 Love to all my family and friends and thank you for being there.

The best laid schemes of mice and men (and 50- something women)......Part I

The saying goes, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Usually when I'm working with lemon juice, however, I have a cut on my hand and it's hard to get past the burning and focus on the lemonade. My current lemon is the need to have a hysterectomy. Surgery is scheduled in 3 days. It's not that I have any close spiritual attachment to my uterus. For the last few years it's just been one more thing to dust. But really God (if you're up there and I'm not convinced) could this come at a worse time? I'm a little busy right now trying to stay out of the soup kitchen. I realize worse things could have happened. My house could have blown away in the tornado or I could have been hit by a bus, but couldn't I just get over one hurdle without tripping? How am I going to get everything done that I need to do to open this store?  WHEN will I be able to open this store? It's going to take all my strength and concentration to lie in bed and moan. Nobody is going to pay me to do that. Once I've recovered am I going to be as strong as I am now? Or am I going to disembowel myself  vaginally when I try to lift something heavy? And what about bladder control, God? What's that going to be like? And by the way, the cats don't make very good nurses. I'll be lucky if they don't euthanize me.  All kidding aside I've been really down about this. That's why I haven't written in a few weeks. I feel lost. And scared. The lying- awake- in- bed- worrying kind of scared. I have cried a bucket. I have "what iffed?" myself until I'm paralyzed. And now as I'm writing this I realize I've finally reached the emotional crossroad where I either give up or get up. I seem to need to totally wear myself out -- to be lying on the ground screaming "uncle"-- before I can quiet the inner chaos long enough to see a way out. I just needed to wallow in it for awhile. Now it's time to move ahead. I'll get back to you on that.