The best laid schemes of mice and men (and 50- something women)......Part I

The saying goes, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Usually when I'm working with lemon juice, however, I have a cut on my hand and it's hard to get past the burning and focus on the lemonade. My current lemon is the need to have a hysterectomy. Surgery is scheduled in 3 days. It's not that I have any close spiritual attachment to my uterus. For the last few years it's just been one more thing to dust. But really God (if you're up there and I'm not convinced) could this come at a worse time? I'm a little busy right now trying to stay out of the soup kitchen. I realize worse things could have happened. My house could have blown away in the tornado or I could have been hit by a bus, but couldn't I just get over one hurdle without tripping? How am I going to get everything done that I need to do to open this store?  WHEN will I be able to open this store? It's going to take all my strength and concentration to lie in bed and moan. Nobody is going to pay me to do that. Once I've recovered am I going to be as strong as I am now? Or am I going to disembowel myself  vaginally when I try to lift something heavy? And what about bladder control, God? What's that going to be like? And by the way, the cats don't make very good nurses. I'll be lucky if they don't euthanize me.  All kidding aside I've been really down about this. That's why I haven't written in a few weeks. I feel lost. And scared. The lying- awake- in- bed- worrying kind of scared. I have cried a bucket. I have "what iffed?" myself until I'm paralyzed. And now as I'm writing this I realize I've finally reached the emotional crossroad where I either give up or get up. I seem to need to totally wear myself out -- to be lying on the ground screaming "uncle"-- before I can quiet the inner chaos long enough to see a way out. I just needed to wallow in it for awhile. Now it's time to move ahead. I'll get back to you on that.